Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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