She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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