smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
