its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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