Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
