why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
