I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
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On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
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That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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