I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I can feel your judgement through the phone
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
