I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
