Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
