dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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