I'm so fucking centered right now
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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