I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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