Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
