Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I checked into jail on foursquare
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
