he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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