Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
