So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
