When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
