Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
