I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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