well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
