I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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