I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
