She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
