My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
