Already got asked if we're dating
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
