sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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