go do what you do best...puke behind churches
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
