I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
