some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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