So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
