So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
