Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
