Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
