I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
