ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
