my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
