Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
