Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
