Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
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