Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
