Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
