Those balls look pretty dangerous.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
