Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
