she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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