and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
