Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
