waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Randomize
