Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
