sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
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I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
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How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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