Do you still have your period?
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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