our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
