Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
