Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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