I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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