my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
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