he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
