Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
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