I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
