Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
was it more than 30 minutes?
then you're in a relationship
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
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She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
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There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”