finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
