Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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